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A Commitment to Equality
by Gail and Lyn
We are Gail and Lyn, a lesbian couple sharing parenting of our
15-month-old daughter, who we'll call Leigh. At first
blush, it can appear that a same-sex couple automatically avoids some
of the gendered division of labor that can make equal parenting a
challenge for heterosexual couples, and indeed there is some academic
research that shows lesbian households may be more egalitarian than
straight households. However, we've found that among our peers,
even among other same-sex couples, we are rather unique. Most
lesbian families that we have encountered (admittedly not a scientific
sample!), particularly those where one mom gives birth, choose or fall
into an unequal division of labor, with the bio-mom taking on a more
traditional caregiving role and the non-bio-mom acting as primary
breadwinner. In our family, Gail is Leigh's bio-mom and Lyn is
Leigh's adoptive mom (we are both full legal parents to our
daughter). However, we have been careful not to extend this
distinction between us to how we manage Leigh's care. This first
year has been almost a 50/50 split on childcare, housework and
breadwinning (based on hours worked), though not necessarily exactly
equal at any given moment. There hasn't been much recreation to
speak of, but we're working on that.
During this first year of Leigh's life, Lyn was finishing her
dissertation, and Gail was teaching college mathematics. Leigh
was born in June, and as academics, we were both able to take the
summer as leave, so for the first two months of Leigh's life she had
both of her moms with her most of the time. However, even from
the very beginning, we made sure that we each had time alone with
Leigh. In September, Gail headed back to full-time teaching,
compressed into a four day work week, and Lyn started part-time work on
her dissertation, mostly from home. Lyn covered about 3 1/2
days of child care, Gail took one day at home, and we had a sitter for
a half-day. This meant Lyn was able to get to the office 1 1/2
days to meet with her advisor and go to seminars, but the rest of her
work was done in the wee hours of the morning, during naps, and during
occasional additional afternoons of sitting. For the spring
semester, Gail had arranged for a teaching release and we switched up
the schedule, with Gail taking the majority of the at-home care while
still working part-time on some administrative work and
consulting. Lyn worked about four days a week finishing her
dissertation. During the month leading up to the thesis due date,
Gail definitely took care of more of the housework and day to day
tasks, but Lyn was careful to still take one day home with Leigh.
For the summer after her graduation, Lyn did the majority of Leigh's
daytime care while waiting to start her new job in September. Now
that Lyn has begun a post-doctoral research position, things have
changed yet again, with each of us working four days and taking one day
home. Leigh has started attending a child care center three days
a week. We're excited to move into the world of 50/50 shared
parenting on a day-to-day (as opposed to semester-to-semester)
basis.
We've learned a lot managing Leigh's care this way. One of the
main things we learned is that what is most important for developing a
relationship with a young baby is time. Gail nursed Leigh for 14
months, pumping at work when necessary. With all of the talk
about how nursing is great for bonding, Lyn had worried that she would
be stuck as an outsider, unable to offer much meaningful care to Leigh,
though she was certainly committed to successful nursing. What we
found instead was that Leigh bonded with both of us, precisely because
she spent meaningful amounts of one-on-one time with each of her
moms.
We've also each experienced the particular advantages and pitfalls of
being the "breadwinner" and the "home-parent." During first
semester, when Gail would wander in at the end of a work day, look
around in a daze, and not really make herself useful, Lyn was thinking,
"chop chop!! There are things to do! Cut these veggies for
dinner! The baby needs to eat! The laundry needs
folding!" Come second semester, when it was more often Lyn coming
home, it turned out she did exactly the same thing. We now both
know there is just something challenging about changing gears from the
focus of the office to the chaos of a home that's been running all day
without you. Knowing both sides of the coin so intimately helps
us stay gentle with each other, as well as communicative and
appreciative.
One aspect of division of labor that is a huge component of the "second
shift" for most women is the management of a home. Who keeps
track of which chores need to be done, the pediatricians name and
number, the stock of staples in the pantry and the babysitter's
schedule? Even in households where Dad contributes markedly to
chores and childcare, management duties usually fall to Mom. One
thing that has worked well for us is that we both feel this management
responsibility. Some management areas are divided, for example
Lyn is in charge of grocery shopping and Gail manages our laundry, but
overall we each feel responsibility for most everyday tasks, like
dishes, washing diapers and making dinner. This keeps chores
moving along and makes us very appreciative of the other's
efforts. Gail also developed a helpful checklist of basic chores
that must be done every morning and evening. We can each do jobs
on the checklist without duplicating efforts. We make
sure to work a few minutes on both food preparation and laundry every
morning and every evening, which keeps us in relatively clean clothes
and let's us make food ahead with minimal time investment.
Sharing parenting has gone so well, we want to keep doing it. Lyn
had been very unsatisfied with her graduate work prior to Leigh's
arrival, and we had thought it might make most sense for her to stay
home with Leigh when the PhD was done. But even with all of the
craziness and exhaustion, somehow the time Lyn spent caring for Leigh
made her work more satisfying, and miraculously, more productive.
If Lyn stayed home with Leigh, we would also lose a lot of the balance
that we've enjoyed as a couple. We both know our daughter so
well. We can both appreciate every tiny new accomplishment.
We are both confident in our parenting. Neither of us bears the
total weight of our family's financial wellbeing and precisely because
that is true, we each have a guard against falling completely into our
work to the exclusion of all else. We cannot predict exactly what
the future will hold; economics shift and there is no guarantee we'll
always have the sort of work conducive to shared parenting, but no
matter what, we have both established a meaningful place in Leigh's
life and a commitment to sharing all aspects of our life as a family.
©Copyright 2007 Marc and Amy
Vachon
www.equallysharedparenting.com
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